It’s the Keyhive (with the ACT 5)

Clark gone. Peters gone. ACT more than doubling its share in a week (as we predicted). Rodney romps in in Epsom (as predicted). Not a bad night at all.

The two most corrupt politicians in New Zealand history have left the building.

And two selfless patriots – Roger Douglas and John Boscawen – have entered.

(I’ve only spoken to ACT’s fifth MP David Garrett once by phone. But his standing in the Sensible Sentencing Trust suggests he’ll be a strong MP.)

The sad thing for me was seeing my friend Stephen Franks not only miss Wellington Central, but also miss getting in on National’s list.

By one lousy place. 

What a waste of a thoughtful and talented man to rank him 60th.

I am inspired to see John Key realise his 35 year goal to be PM. If he looked  euphoric, it’s because he’s been planning for this day since we was 12.  

John is the nice guy he seems. It’s incredible what he’s achieved, both in business and in politics.

If he can run the country the way he’s run his life so far, we’ll be in good shape. 

Let’s hope, with ACT’s support, he can.

Free Speech Coalition Tauranga Special

Our latest billboard should be up by now in Tauranga. David Farrar’s idea, executed by art director Mike Boekholt.

Kiwiblog spoof now real billboard

What began as an idle suggestion by me on Kiwiblog and a quick mockup by Whale Oil has now become a real billboard for the Free Speech Coalition.

It went up this afternoon in Auckland and, weather permitting, Wellington. 

Stay tuned for the Tauranga special

The bottom line, if you can’t read it, says ‘Authorised as demanded by LabourFirst’s and the Greens’ outrageous assault on free speech by David Farrar of the Free Speech Coalition…”

Hager’s hollow hoax

I want to show you in my customary left-right way how Nicky Hager operates.

Have a look below at how this self-styled truthseeker hollowed out one of my poems to create the exact opposite meaning.

The poem, Political Careering, from my book I Think The Clouds Are Cotton Wool – Rhymes Committed by John Ansell, is about the journey from lobbyist to disgraced PM of a Clark/Muldoon/ Peters type of politician.

By the time Hager had finished his gutting and pasting, it had become my epitaph to Don Brash.

You’ll see it at the end of the Iwi/Kiwi chapter of The Hollow Men. Page 74.

Nowhere did Hager admit that the four verses he fused together were not meant to be consecutive. They were, in fact, verses 3, 9, 12 and 13.

I think we call that a breach of copyright. (Not that a rich boy like Hager would have anything much to worry about if I sued him.)

And nowhere did he tell you that I had clearly dedicated the original to New Zealand’s fiercest political animals, Rob Muldoon, Winston Peters and Helen Clark.

He just allowed me to embarrass my boss and myself in public – something I felt compelled to apologise to Don for at the time.

(It was the last of Don’s worries, given the scale of the other misrepresentations he’d found.) 

If Hager can be so dishonest about a simple poem, what does that suggest about the rest of the tale? 

But you decide.

Here are the two versions side by side, so you can see how much of the truth Hager left out.

 

POLITICAL CAREERING
MY ORIGINAL	HAGER’S HOLLOW HOAX
Dedicated to New Zealand’s fiercest political animals, Rob Muldoon, Winston Peters and Helen Clark.	…a tribute to Brash’s years as National Party leader. It is fitting that Ansell, who nearly got him into power, provides a well-crafted epitaph.
Working on a politician, Lobby for a strong decision, Lots of lolly on commission As a lobbyist.
Working for a politician, Always been a long ambition, Dominate a strong division, Party activist.
Wanna be a politician, Follow me I’m on a mission, Gotta get a strong position On the party list.	Wanna be a politician, Follow me I’m on a mission, Gotta get a strong position On the party list.
Gonna be a politician, Gotta be on television, Shot of me in each edition, Babies getting kissed.
Finally I’m a politician, What a battle of attrition! Sock it to the Opposition, Then I’m getting pissed.
Up and coming politician, Got a lot of recognition, Tons of perks and tunnel vision, No expenses missed.
Double-dipping politician, Higher Salaries Commission, Should decline, but what they’re dishin’ Out I can’t resist.
Party’s leading politician, Not a lot of competition, Clobbered ’em into submission With my iron fist.
Leader of the Opposition, Keeper of a strong tradition To articulate a vision People can’t resist.	Leader of the Opposition, Keeper of a strong tradition To articulate a vision People can’t resist.
Country’s leading politician, Blunted by the coalition, Hunted by the Opposition, Wish they would desist.
Country’s leading politician, Made a rather odd admission, Order ’em to block transmission, Really must insist.
One embattled politician, I’m a picture of contrition, Honestly to God I’m wishin’ I did not exist.	One embattled politician, I’m a picture of contrition, Honestly to God I’m wishin’ I did not exist.
Soon-to-be ex-politician, Step aside on one condition: “Leaving of my own volition”— Think you get the gist.	Soon-to-be ex-politician, Step aside on one condition: “Leaving of my own volition”— Think you get the gist.
Sick of being a politician, God I made the wrong decision, Damn it all, I’m going fishin’ — Get me out of this!

Hel’s teeth

Remember: this election is about trust Below is the original version from 2005. 
 

I felt old when I had to explain to a 20-year-old office assistant who the cheesy chap on the left was.

When I said Richard Nixon, she replied, ”Wasn’t he that actor guy?”

Thanks to the anonymous friend who had the bright idea of replacing Tricky Dicky with Wicked Winnie.

Rodney serves Winston right

Just after the Winston contempt verdict, I put out the call on Kiwiblog for someone to render up this idea. 

Now a journalist has sent me this. It was done by a commenter called willnz.

The head is even better than I’d imagined. (Though as willnz himself says, Rodney would have looked even better in his yellow jacket.)

If you’re reading this willnz, please get in touch. I’ve got a few other concepts you might like to help with!

I hope Rodney and ACT are rewarded for bringing Peters to some sort of justice. Sending this to your  swinging voter friends could help.

Make sure they know that Rodney’s got Epsom in the bag, so every ACT party vote will help drive out LabourFirst and stiffen National’s spine.

Peters-beater Bob bows out

 

The congenital lawyer… and the builder who demolished him.

I like Bob Clarkson. He gets things done. 

Like the clubhouse that he thought he’d build for his drag racing mates in Mt Maunganui.

Only he got a bit carried away and it ended up as a stadium – built in a matter of months.

“How did you put it up so quickly, Bob?” I once asked him.

“People,” he shot back.

“I’d just say to my guys, ‘You build me X number of rows this week, and I’ll put on the beers for a big party Friday night’.”

Winston Peters got done by Bob too. Twice. (If you count the electoral petition.)

How did he do it when so many more articulate Nats had failed?

Another one-word answer:

“Recognization.”

Only he said it without the g. “It’s all about reconization.”

That’s Bob-speak for branding.

He really should stick to the short Anglo-Saxon words. Long ones like testicles and foreign ones like burqa can be problematic.